Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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