I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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