He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
