I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
birth control should be required to get into college
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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