"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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