Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
