I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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