as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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