i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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