shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
