Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
