he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
