He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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