I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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