I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I AM VODKA MAN
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
