Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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