I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
