You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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