So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize