It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
