Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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