Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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