stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
