So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
