Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
