Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
