"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
