New invention idea: vibrating tampons
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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