that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
