how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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