I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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