I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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