i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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