don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
