You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize