Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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