I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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