I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
