I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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