I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
