So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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