In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
