Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
