this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My dick has a subreddit
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
