Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize