Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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