I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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