I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
