I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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