Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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