I just saw a hot homeless man
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
