I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
