i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
