I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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