i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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