mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
