when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
